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EDITOR’S NOTE: In November 2018, 18-year-old Matt Reel, a senior at Newport High School, died by suicide from a gunshot. This is his mother’s account of the aftermath.
Matt never showed signs of depression. He had perfect attendance, and he always made the honor roll with his grades. He was always involved in sports and was Homecoming Royalty his junior year. He was handsome, always smiling and cracking jokes. He enlisted in the Marines just after his September 18th birthday in the top 90% on his ASVAB. Matt literally had the world in the palm of his hand.
So what could ever make this young man break? Although Matt had a fortunate exposure to traveling, hunting and commercial fishing, it was also a perfect environment for domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. It eventually broke him.
I hate the word suicide. It may be the most complicated word in the English vocabulary. I think it is different for everyone. I do think however, as I know this personally, the pain is very much the same. Or at least the feeling of wanting the pain to end.
It’s every parent’s worst fear.
Losing their child to suicide. A 4 a.m. knock on your door from a deputy in tears having to tell you your beautiful son is gone. It was horrific. My whole body went numb and I couldn’t breathe. All I could say over and over was “NO,” as I gasped for air. Everything was in slow motion. It was final. There was nothing, as his mother, I could do. I was helpless and it completely crushed me.
Leaving all of us who loved and adored him for that? Maybe the real lesson here is to have just “walked away son.” Walk away from those who harm us.
My journey: 1. Trauma-shock-grief: Years 1-4 Intense Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Everything that reminded me of Matt triggered me.
Brain fog. Grief is exhausting. It is mean, it is ugly and you may hurt those you love. Wanting to sleep but you can’t. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t travel. I wanted to function normally but I had no energy. Falling apart over and over and putting yourself back together over and over again.
Basic survival. I can see how some people could stay in this stage for the rest of their lives. Upon entering my fourth year I could feel it lifting. I had loved ones encouraging me. Words of appreciation were, “I’m so sorry for your loss” and “I can’t even imagine.” Hold off on the, “He’s in a better place” or “It’s time to heal and move on.”
2. Healing: Year 4-present Realizing I wouldn’t stay in the state of major grief forever. It will ease. Self-forgiveness. Bad things happen to good people. This is not a reflection of you as a mother. Accepting you are now different and will be forever from your loss. Being hopeful you will see your loved one again.
Let me say that I could have never survived this without the support group I have. My family, friends, Facebook friends, Matt’s friends and especially Liz, Matt’s girlfriend at the time. Liz saved me. She lived with us for two years after we lost Matt. Making me accountable every day to show up and live. We flew to Vegas last June to see Bruno Mars and honor Matt and his dance to “Uptown Funk.” Of course it was the encore!
If you see me, please talk about my boy! Yes it may bring tears to my eyes, but they are so worth it. Tell me a funny story about him you remember. Help me keep his memory alive. Don’t be afraid to upset me, it’s just the opposite. Yell his name and hug me!
Seeing the beauty in the lovely people I have in my life. The animals who love me. The sunrise and the sunset. The little bird who visits me on my balcony.
I am heartbroken that I could not have helped my son through this difficult time.
If anyone is contemplating suicide, please for the love of GOD ask for help. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for my son. Please imagine all of those people who love you with their arms around you holding you up. I do this still when things get tough.
In the end that’s all we really have anyway, is each other.
